Personal Analysis of a Major Loss:

Personal Analysis of a Major Loss:

The Day I Saw My Mother Cry

3 December 2009

Description of a Loss

            The day was Saturday, September 26, 1998; nine year old Lacey was home with her stepfather while her mother was at work. Lacey was out back playing in the sandbox when she heard the phone ring. Getting up from the sandbox, she walked through the garage and came to the door to the house. Her stepfather, Terry, left the door ajar and Lacey over heard him talking to her best friend Kelly. Terry told Kelly that she could not come over to play because there had been a death in the family.

            Terry hung up the phone and came around the corner to see Lacey in the garage within earshot. Being only nine years old she was confused, but as his eyes met hers, one could see and feel an immense amount of pain. They both stood there for a minute, and then he came outside and sat on the bench and dropped his face into his hands. Lacey kept standing in the garage for a minute then walked over to Terry and laid her small hand on his. With just the simple act of unknowing compassion, terry began to sob; he grabbed her little hand and told her that he was sorry.

            Lacey was more confused than ever, but held his hand while he cried then ask who had died. Terry stopped mid sob, looked up at her, teary eyed and red faced, and put his face back into his hands. Lacey had never seen Terry cry and was still very confused and worried. She waited a second then asked again, “who died?” Terry stopped crying then rested his chin on his clasped hands and told her, “I am so sorry, but I cannot tell you until your mom gets home, she is on her way.”

            Lacey stood there for a little bit, and then sat by Terry. Every now and then Lacey would ask if it was this relative or that one, but Terry just sat in silence. Finally, her mother got home and what felt like hours, was less than thirty minutes. Her mother got out of the car and went to Terry. He grabbed his wife’s hands, told Lacey to stay on the bench till they got back, meaning her mother did not know yet, then led her mother into the house.

            Again time seemed to drag on and Lacey made her way to the garage door to the house, but stood there staring at the knob. When she could wait no longer she slowly opened the door and began to sneak in. Just as she got one foot in the door her mother came around the corner, being supported by Terry. At that moment it felt like time stopped, Lacey had never seen her mom cry before and began to get scared. Her mother picked her up and took her back to the bench and sat down. Her mother, still sobbing grabbed her daughters little hand and just stared at her. There was no sound in the world-no movement, just a mother and her child sharing a moment.

Then, in a small voice, Lacey firmly asked who had died. Her mother looked up, squeezed that little hand tightly, and said, “Your Dad.” The moments that took place next where beyond description There was a mother who lost her first love and the father of her child, who now had to explain to her nine year old how, why, and when her child’s daddy died.

Lacey’s little world felt like it had just shattered and had so many questions. She just cried and cried until she could breathe no more, then fell into disbelief. Lacey began to call her mother a liar, then said that he cannot be dead because she just saw him last night and then demanded to see him. Lacey’s mother tried to explain that there would be a funeral and that she could say goodbye to daddy then. Lacey then explained to her mother that she wanted to see her daddy and was not waiting until some funeral.

Lacey’s mother then agreed and said that they would go see daddy, but they had to go to grandma’s first. She agreed and they went, but what happened next could only be described as sad. The whole family had met at grandma’s house, everyone was crying, wanting to hug Lacey and her mother and tell them how sorry they were, but Lacey became angry. She told people to not touch, not to talk to her, and demanded to see her Daddy. Her mother gave in and took Lacey to the funeral home.

They got to the funeral home and her mother and a man met and whispered for a moment. Eventually he hugged her mother then knelt down and asked if Lacey wanted to see her dad. With a quick nod this man led Lacey to the back while her mother stayed behind and fear began to wash over her. They made it to a room and this man opened the door to reveal a body lying on the embalming table. She walked in alone and the man was talking, but all Lacey could hear was the buzzing of the lights and dripping of fluids from the embalming table.

She walked up and laid her hand on her dad’s arm and what made it harder to believe that he was gone was that he was still warm to the touch. Lacey stood there quiet and the man stopped talking after realizing that she was not listening.  She asked the man if she could hold her dad’s hand and with his approval, Lacey held her dad’s hand one last time.

The Reactions to the Loss

Lacey’s life and the way that it is today, is all because of her father’s death and the choices she thereafter made. The effect his death had on her life was very negative, but she worked her way through it all to a positive outcome.  Right after his death, Lacey’s school made her see a counselor and because she would not speak with the counselors, conclusions were made. Ideas such as Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, denial, secluding herself from the world, fantasies, and they even accused the family of child abuse. The school went as far as sending Child Service out to her house to see if her living conditions were okay. Least to say, her mother was not happy and Child Services found nothing wrong. After that Lacey and her family moved to the country and switched schools. Her mother thought that it would be a healthier choice to start over.

As stated by Corr, Nabe, & Corr in Death and Dying, Life and Living page 214, “grief can be experienced and expressed in numerous ways such as physical sensations, such as hollowness in the stomach, a lump in the throat, tightness in the chest, aching arm, oversensitivity to noise, shortness of breath, lack of energy, muscle weakness, dry mouth and loss of coordination.” When Lacey’s mother finally told her that it was her dad, her hero, her protector, who had died, she experienced most-if not all-of these sensations and also at other times.

Also stated by the authors on page 214, “feelings such as sadness, anger, guilt and self-reproach, anxiety, loneliness, fatigue, helplessness, shock, yearning, emancipation, relief, numbness, or a sense of depersonalization” are feeling that Lacey has been dealing with since the death of her father. Ever since his death she had a hard time dealing with the sadness, anger, guilt, and most of all loneliness. Starting when Lacey’s was 13 she had the first of two knee surgeries and became addicted to the pain killers. She found relief and numbness from the pain killers and tried to abuse them so that she would not have to face the reality of the world around. It did not take Lacey long to realize that the pills were making her life hard and she got off of them, but soon after began to cut herself. Again, this was a sense of relief; she was not trying to kill herself, but the small cuts would release chemicals from the brain that just helped her relax. It took about two years to break herself from that habit.

Lacey is healthy now, and finds healthy ways, such as a simple hot shower to relax.  Sometimes she will just lie in bed and listen to music for hours on end, just so she can relax and control her thoughts. Lacey’s hardest fight is against herself, to control her emotions and feelings. You hear a song or smell a scent that reminds you of the one you have loss and it feels like you are losing them all over again. There are times that Lacey will just sit in the shower and cry to herself and she won’t know why she is crying, but when she is finally done everything feels right again.

The Current Status

My life is great and I have made it this way. I could have succumbed to past habits or not listened to the wisdom that my friends, family, and teachers provided, but I did not. I did not want my past to ever hold me back and kept me from my goals. The life I have is exactly what I set out for. After my dad’s death I became empowered to be more than my parents were and set out life goals and strict rules to live by such as:

ü  Never give in to peer pressure or do drugs.

ü  Graduate High School (I did with a 3.1 GPA)

ü  Get my own place after high school and never move back in with my mom (so far so good).

ü  Go to and graduated from college with a four year degree (about to finish year three).

ü  Not start a family until after college.

These guidelines I set for myself where most likely the best thing I ever did, because if ever a situation arose, I would weigh the outcome against my standards and if one of these standards were being compromised I felt that I was letting myself, my family and my future down.

      I still miss my dad a lot and graduation from high school was really tough because at the end of the ceremony the class lined up and everyone’s family came by and congratulated us. I thought I was fine then I kept watching everyone’s mother and father walk up and hug their children and that is when it hit me. My mom and stepfather came through and hugged me and I could barely keep myself together-I wanted him there so bad, I wanted to make him proud and I could not.

I have learned many things from the death of my father and the most important being that suicide is the worst way to fix your problems. It is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Suicide hurts everyone around you; it leaves so many unanswered questions, and gives no one time to prepare themselves. So I have grown into a fine young lady, who won’t see her dad clapping in the audience when she receives her diploma, who won’t have her dad there to walk her down the aisle, and will have one last grandpa to hold her children. These are facts that I have come to cope and live with, but that does not make them any easier.

Every day I wish he was still alive, that someone had got him help or the gun would not fire, but I believe that everything happens for a reason therefore there is an explanation why he died that day, I just have not figured it out yet.